My Parents' Good/Bad Parenting

I grew up a longtime ago in what many people believe to be a different world. It was different and it was the same.

Way back then we didn’t have cell phones, computers, color television or cable. We didn’t have 250 channels of worthless crap to watch on TV and could actually walk around without our faces buried in an electronic device. We didn’t have instant messaging and Facebook (Thank you Jesus!) 

We did have some things then that we don’t have now: front porches to sit on and talk to neighbors; milk and newspapers delivered to our doors, meals as a family with meaningful conversation; neighbors we actually knew; the ability to play outside; the exercise of walking to school; friends we actually talked to and unfriended by telling them to buzz off. 

But we did have several things back then that we still have today: criminals; perverts, kidnappings; crime; guns; drunk drivers; senseless killings; child abuse; broken homes; spousal abuse; inept governments; sports teams and rabid fans; and much more. Much has changed but then very little has changed. It was observed long ago – “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

One thing that has changed are the philosophies and methods of child rearing. And in some cases, change is not necessarily progress or improvement. My parents practiced what could be benign neglect. There were few interactions between parents and children and, as far as the children were concerned, the fewer the better. Most parent-child interactions were not cause for celebration. Parents didn’t feel the need to entertain their children. Many of today’s parents are called “Helicopter Parents,” who hover over their children 24/7. In light of today’s methodology, my parents’ methods were archaic and somewhat frightening. But I would say in their defense, I lived to adulthood as a healthy, happy, independent and well-adjusted person. I would say they did something right. Allow me to share some of their good bad parenting decisions.

First, each and every time they caught me doing something wrong, they punished me. Fortunately for me, they didn’t catch me every time, but when they did something very unhappy happened. If nothing else, they were consistent. I learned the concept of cause and effect. Good behavior brought good results and bad behavior brought bad results. What the Bible calls sowing and reaping. I also learned accountability. The results of my behavior, good or bad, were my doing. There was no one else to blame.

They held me to high expectations. Anything under a B on a report card was unacceptable. When we worked on a project we worked on it until it was finished. If I went out for a sport I didn’t quit that sport until the season was over. All of the summer jobs my father found me while I was in high school were hard work. I was ALWAYS ON TIME to work, never missed work and NEVER GOT FIRED. From this outdated parenting, I learned a great work ethic.

If I got into trouble at school, I got in trouble at home. If I got in trouble with the law I would rather go to jail than go home and face my father. I called all of the adults in my life Mr. or Mrs. or sir and ma’am. And thus, I learned to respect authority and respectful behavior in general.

The best things my parents taught me were independence and fearlessness. They did this through trusting me to make good decisions and allowing me to be in uncomfortable situations, make mistakes and suffer the consequences of those mistakes. Here are a few examples of their craziness:

• ·      Beginning in the first grade I walked over ½ mile to school and when we moved to the country I walked a mile to the school bus stop with no adults along for the walk.
• ·     During the summer, I left home to play with friends immediately after breakfast and came home in time for dinner. And, no, I didn’t have a cell phone so they could track me. They had figured out I wasn’t some idiot child who had to be constantly watched.
• ·      I learned how to safely handle a gun by age 12 and went rabbit hunting with friends.
• ·    When I was 14, my brother was 16 and my little sister was 10, we all (sans parents) loaded up in the family car and drove from Louisville, Kentucky, to Washington, D.C. to see the sights and visit relatives.
• ·     While in college my brother and I left home one summer for 2 ½ months to tour the country. We ate one meal a day (Which we prepared because our mother had taught us to cook.) and slept out on the ground. We checked in once a week via phone.

Were my parents perfect parents – or course not. But I would choose their methods over the accepted parenting methods of today. My siblings and my friends grew up happy, secure, mature and independent. Many of the children of today who have received trophies for showing up for a sport and been under the constant shadow, presence and (over) protection of their parents need safe places at college and to go un-criticized and coddled at school and the work place. They are unable to function in real life in the cold, cruel world and the parents need to take the blame for that.

Our children must learn that success is earned, criticism is healthy and helpful, disappointment is a part of life, defeat and failure are necessary motivation to attain success. Our children need to grow up and if they are protected from difficulties, challenges, heartache, loss, and disappointments, they will never mature. And if they fail to mature life will just chew they up and spit them out. Is that really what we want for our children? I think not.

Copyright © 2017, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Bill McConnell is the Interim Minister at Norwood Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press. He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon

We Could Use Some Grownups

As I am observing the response to the election of Donald Trump to the Presidency, I find I have watched and listened to about as much of this whine-a-thon as I can stand. I am wondering where all the grownups have gone.

Like two-year-old’s throwing temper tantrums, people have taken to the streets to “protest” his election… like that will change anything. I’m not picking on the Democrats as a party… no doubt the Republicans would have reacted just as poorly if their candidate had been defeated. Though it must be noted that they reacted to the election of Barrack Obama with a bit more class than we are seeing displayed following the recent election.

In all honesty, I must admit that I don’t have any skin in the game. I couldn’t stand either candidate. I find it disconcerting that I, as a person who as a young man aspired to a career in politics, have come to the point that I am completely disillusioned with what the political system has become and have lost all respect for politicians doing their self-serving business as usual. I feel that any person who invests any hope in the government solving our social ills is ignorant, ill-informed or pathetically naive.

My concerns are not about who was elected, because I seriously doubt it will make any difference. What concerns me is, instead, the whiny, immature reaction to whomever was elected? We have had: Demonstrations in the streets that would ultimately change nothing; Letters, cards, e-mails and even threats to the members of the Electoral College demanding they not vote as they were obligated; Demands that we do away with the Electoral College; College students requiring time off from tests and classes because of the emotional upheaval caused by the defeat of their candidate. Some campuses even provided counseling, safe zones and therapy for the poor traumatized students. Pathetic. We could use some grownups around here.

It seems that for the past few decades we have been in the process of producing a mass of immature “grownups.” They are large… well fed… are generally well educated… some of them have jobs… pretty good with technology… spend lots of money and have the emotional maturity of twelve years old’s. This does not include all younger people, but it would seem to describe a noteworthy chunk of the population.

There are significant shifts in child rearing that have occurred over my lifetime that have brought the outcome we are experiencing. The first I noticed was when my generation hit our twenties. When we were growing up, a person over the age of 21 was addressed as Sir or Ma’am or as Mr. or Mrs. Soandso. In our quest to be forever young, we, instead, insisted that children call us by our first names; something usually reserved for close friends… the first step on a slippery slope. Then when we started having children we decided that instead of respecting us we wanted our children to like us. I still remember the day my father, whom I adore, told me, “I don’t care if you like me. I am not your friend. I am your father. You will have many friends. I am the only father you will ever have.”

Then we made the brilliant decision that our children were precious little darlings that we parents were tasked with delivering through childhood with nary a scratch nor a dent. We became “Helicopter Parents”, hovering over our children making sure no harm could come to them. Parents today who allow their children to walk down the street to play in the local park are in danger of being charged with child neglect. It has become poor parenting to let a child outside of the parent’s view. We have lost our collective mind and are raising a generation of adult children.

Being and old person I remember leaving the house shortly after breakfast, on a fine summer day, and returning at sunset not having any meaningful interactions with an adult all day. It was heavenly. It was fun. The best times I had as a kid did not happen in the view of an adult. It was a part of the process of growing up. Were their dangerous and freaky people out there? Absolutely. And we sometimes ran into them. But me and my friends were the most dangerous people we had to deal with. We were kids… we made bad decisions and did stupid things. But we survived. We got into tense and sometimes dangerous situations and we learned how to deal with them. We ran into some odd and off center people and we learned how to deal with them. Sometimes we got hurt and we learned how to deal with it. Sometimes we got our feelings hurt, were occasionally bullied, had arguments and fights, didn’t get chosen for the team, got lost, got scared, got scarred, got mad and we learned how to deal with it. It is called maturing. Something we are stealing from our children.

Then someone came up with the amazingly insightful idea of giving everyone who was involved in a sport or an activity a Participant’s Trophy. Brilliant! No one ever had to suffer the agony of defeat. We are all winners. Just like in real life. NOT! Proof again that just because one went to college does not mean that one is necessarily intelligent. Perhaps we should have provided participant trophies for those who voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016 or the problem would have been solved by giving both candidates participant trophies and declared them “Co-winners.”

I still remember standing in line to pay my bill at a local restaurant chain and reading the posted help wanted sign. It said, “Help wanted. Apply to the manager. Good pay. If you come to work each day you are scheduled the first 30 days, you will receive a $50 bonus.” I read it a couple of times, thinking something sounds wrong. Then it occurred to me that when I showed up for work as scheduled for 30 days they let me keep my job. What were these people thinking? They were thinking “We are about to hire people who have the work ethic of a goat.”

I sense that most adults, in our saner moments, can attest to the fact that it was the difficult experiences we faced growing up that gave us the opportunities to mature. Losing instead of winning, failing instead of succeeding, getting hurt and getting over it, dealing with disappointment, falling flat, losing the girl… the ballgame… the tournament… the election… the job, all were important learning and maturing experiences. How do we expect our children to ever really grow up if we wrap them bubble wrap, hide them away in our perpetual shadows and keep them from all harm and alarm? Did I enjoy seeing my children go through hurtful and challenging times? Of course not. But I loved them enough to let them deal with the tough stuff because my desire was for them to grow up into mature, functioning adults. And they have.

My hope is that we, as a culture, soon come to our senses and begin again the difficult, challenging, arduous, sometimes painful task of growing up some real adults. It seems we could use some.

Copyright © 2016, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Bill McConnell is the Interim Minister at Norwood Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press.

He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon

Eat a Car

Children’s Moment has always been one of my favorite parts of the “modern” worship experience. We claim we do them for the children but the truth is we do it for the adults. We love to see the kids in church. It makes us feel good. And, usually, the message given is over the children’s heads but the adults get it. I love them because you never know what is going to happen. Especially when the leader starts asking questions.
 

A few years ago my sister, Kayce, and I attended the funeral of one of our favorite aunts, Aunt Carolyn. Carolyn had been married to my mother’s brother George since the Apostle Paul was a boy. Uncle George was a Baptist preacher and a college professor. Considering those two negatives, Uncle George was a great guy and lots of fun. But he could not hold a candle to Aunt Carolyn. She had a million dollar smile that lit up a room and a personality to go with it. She was an utter joy to be around. She had fun everywhere she went and if she wasn’t having fun, she fooled you into believing she was. One spring Sunday afternoon they showed up at a reception a church was holding for me. Like most church functions I have attended, this one would not be labeled “fun.” George and Carolyn buzzed into the room and soon caught my attention. They seemed to know everyone in the room and also seemed thrilled to see them all. It took them several minutes to circulate to my position. Uncle George shook my hand and explained their presence by telling me that they used to serve the Baptist Church in town and thought it might be fun to drop by. Aunt Carolyn smiled her wonderful smile, warmly embraced me and whispered in my ear, “Aren’t these things just boring as Hell?” She stepped back and smiled. I cracked up.

I tell you all of that so you can better understand my Aunt Carolyn. They started telling “Carolyn” stories at her funeral. One person told of her leading a children’s moment at there huge Baptist Church. She was well into her 80’s and still working with little children in her church. She was preparing to “retire” and move to Florida, so the powers that be asked Caroline to share the children’s message her final Sunday at worship. Like she did everything, she graciously accepted the invitation. They say she came up to the front and sat on the chancel steps. I huge group of preschoolers gathered at her feet and she began to tell a story. The person sharing at the funeral said the children were mesmerized. She was telling a wonderful story that included different voices for different characters. At the end of the story, Aunt Carolyn paused. All of the children (and the congregation) sat, transfixed, waiting to hear the moral of the story. They were doing that because they were veteran church people who knew that all good church stories have morals. Well, Aunt Carolyn smiled her megawatt smile at the group and announced: “Oh, it doesn’t have a moral. It’s just a good story.” The crowd went wild.

Anyway, this Sunday morning the adorable couple who do the children’s moment gathered the children to talk about what they have been learning in Sunday school – which is about the battle of Jericho. So Will warmed the group by asking questions. His first question was, “What is something hard to do?” That got me to thinking. In my younger years things like changing a tire or building a rock wall or shoveling the snow off of our mile long driveway or running five miles or pitching an entire baseball game were pretty challenging. Now things like tying my shoes and changing a light bulb have become hard to do. All of the hands went up and the first kid Will points to says, “Eat a car.” Wow. Why hadn’t I thought of that? On a list of hard things to do, that would have to rank near the top. Like my Aunt Caroline, children’s minds are just more fun than most adult minds. You could have given me a hundred years and I never would have thought of “eat a car.”

I love children’s moment. Since I no longer have a child’s mind enjoy it gives me a chance to look into theirs. And think about eating a car.

Copyright (c) 2014, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Connect-The-Dots

I am not real big on board games or puzzles. My mind isn't wired well for doing puzzles. I don't have a puzzler personality. No doubt that says something negative about my personality. Perhaps if I were better at playing board games or figuring out puzzles, I would like them more. I cannot remember the last time I won at a board game. If you want to see something pathetic, watch me play a game of Scrabble®. I am living proof that one doesn't have to have a vast vocabulary or know how to spell to earn an advanced degree.

While visiting in a local nursing home today I was talking to one of the residents about the jigsaw puzzle she was working on. She shared with me that she had spent many, many, many hours working on an almost monochrome puzzle of two brown wolves standing on a brown rock among dried, brown grass. She had made very little progress but was elated that she had found one of the wolves' teeth. As we talked I couldn't stop thinking that when she was finished she would have carefully constructed a picture that looked just like the picture on the box the puzzle came in. I realize there is a certain sense of accomplishment that comes with solving the puzzle but still, most puzzles strike me as a waste of time. When you finish you have a sense of accomplishment from having accomplished something of very little of value. But that's just me.

There is one type of puzzle I excel at solving: connect-the-dots. Connect-the-dots puzzles are found everywhere. They are on the place mats restaurants supply for the children in your dining party. There are connect-the-dots books of puzzles. Most connect-the-dot puzzles are designed for preschoolers; a truth that could significantly impact the fact that I am good at them. It is fun watching little kids, clinched tongue between teeth, laboriously dragging the crayon from dot to dot as they seek to discover the hidden picture in the maze of dots before them.

I find it interesting that they seem to have no clue as to the picture about to emerge beneath the tip of their writing instrument. They are excited to solve the mystery of dots before them. Any adult looking over their shoulder can instantly connect the dots in his or her mind and see the completed picture without lifting a pen or pencil. I am also mystified by the lack of ability many adults seem to have when it comes to the great connect-the-dots game of life. Why is it that things happen, sometimes time and time again, bringing the same or very similar results and most times very predictable results and many people seem amazed at what has just happened to them. They seem, with a rather childlike quality, unable to connect the dots. Let me share some examples.

A lovely twenty something woman goes out for an evening of partying with friends. She has a bit too much to drink (Okay, she had way too much to drink.) and makes the decision to drive herself home. On the way home she has the fortune or misfortune (Depending on what would or could have happened if she hadn't.) to be pulled over by the police. She flunks the sobriety test is arrested and charged with DUI (Driving Under the Influence), loses her license and is hauled into court. Her response is, "Why did God do this to me?" My response to her is, "God did this? Really? This is God's fault?" She seems completely unable to connect the dots that choosing to drink and drive led directly to the outcome she is suffering. The outcome was a result of her decisions. She has no one to blame but herself. But she can't connect those dots.

Another example is of a young husband and father with a history of getting off track in his efforts to be a consistently good, godly husband and father. He doesn't do bad things; he is not a bad guy. He gets involved in not really bad things but things that take his attention away from those nearest and dearest to him – especially God. It is not easy for him to keep a consistent walk with God with all of the pushes and pulls our culture exerts on the life of a young man. He does best when he is regular in worship attendance, participates in a Christian small group, and is involved in ministry. But he slowly moves away from those things that keep him on the path. First he quits the ministry team he has been a part of and truly enjoyed. Next he and his wife drop out of their small group. It is not a really long time before their worship attendance becomes extremely spotty and then rare. Small decision after small decision after small decision and suddenly he finds that life is as he wants it to be but the marriage is not going well. His wife and family are not terribly happy with him and he and his wife are considering divorce. And then he wonders out loud, "How did this happen?" He seems completely unable to connect the dots.

I am a parent. My child doesn't like a decision I have made. In all honesty, I have tried to make the best decision possible. I have made a decision that I believe is in the child's best interests. But my child doesn't like my decision and tells me so. She tells me that I don't love her and that she doesn't love me. I don't want my child to experience such bad feelings; I want my child to be happy; I want my child to like me; I don't want to have strife in my home. So I change my decision and let my child do what she wants though I doubt it is best for her. This is not an isolated incident. This is how we do emotion business at our house. This is how decisions are made. Later in life, when my child gets older and begins making decisions on her own she tends to make short-sighted, emotionally based and unhealthy decisions. I am appalled. I am broken hearted. I am also failing to connect any dots.

A beautiful young woman is in a great marriage with the man of her dreams. They have some adorable kids and she has a fulfilling but demanding full time job. Not surprisingly, she is feeling a bit stressed. And she is probably feeling a little old what with the children starting to grow up and the slightest hint of a wrinkle or two appearing around her eyes. Life is not as exciting as it once was. There are no new babies to be excited about and she has gotten that education she was always looking forward to. Life has settled into a routine and routine is just a half step from boring. Obviously no harm would be done and it would add so much to her life if she were to go out one night every couple of weeks with her gal friends. They could go to a club, have a few drinks, flirt with some of the guys, dance a little, and just have some fun. No harm done. Oddly enough, in just a few months she finds that she is unhappy in her marriage and is considering separation. She wonders how that happened. No dots are connecting here.

A young person has a pretty good job. The work is not especially difficult, she is very qualified and the pay is about average in that industry. She is not working with her best friends and there are a couple of people at work who get on her nerves. But it is the kind of job that she can leave at work when she comes home. They don't call her in to solve problems. She is not on call. It is a basic 40 hour a week job with some occasional overtime if she wants it. She does have a problem. As a child she was the family darling and was never really held responsible for her poor behavior. If she failed to do her school work her mother would step in and cover for her. If she didn't keep her word, nothing much was said or done. Why be tough on her? After all, her parents thought, she is just a kid. When the boss got testy about poor work habits and her consistently showing up late to work, she just blew it off. She had a grumpy boss. When she got fired she was completely shocked. How dare they treat her like that? She is going to sue them. The dots don't connect.

I am a Christian with a wonderful family. I love God and want my children to grow up to be good Christians. So I take them to Sunday school and worship. I tell them that God is the most important thing in our lives. Because God is so important we never miss Sunday worship. Well, sometimes we do. But only on one of those rare occasions when something more important than worshiping God comes up. You know, things like, a special school outing or we get tickets to a football game or the soccer coach schedules a game on Sunday morning or we have a chance to go camping or it has been a difficult week so we need to sleep in or company comes and we certainly can't take them to church with us or it is raining really hard when we have to go out and get in the car or my hair doesn't look as nice as I would like it to look or the kids don't want to go and we certainly don't want to force the kids to do something they don't want to do or something like that. And the kids grow up and don't have much to do with God and don't make worship attendance a priority and I wonder why. I taught them to be good Christians. Or maybe I just told them to be good Christians but I taught them something else. Connect the dots.

A wife is disrespectful toward her husband and treats him like he is one of the children and he gets involved with another woman. Connect the dots. A husband is consistently rude and unkind to his wife and she leaves him. Connect the dots. A husband spends more time working on a project in the garage than he does on his relationship with his wife and the relationship isn't as good as it once was. Connect the dots. A wife criticizes her husband and he doesn't want to spend time with her. Connect the dots. You consistently show up late to work and you get fired. Connect the dots.

Okay, game time! Let's connect the dots. I am good at it. As a counselor that is what I spend most of my time doing with people – connecting the dots. I just pray more adults will learn to get a good grip on their crayons, concentrate hard and start connecting the dots on their own.

Copyright © 2010, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved