Can a Church Be Unfixable

In conversation with a clergy colleague whom I used to coach in leading a church in transformation (Her church ran out of money to pay me but that hasn’t stopped us from talking.) she asked the somewhat rhetorical question, “Are some churches unfixable?” That really got me thinking.

Theoretically and theologically (According to my theology which believes God can do anything.) no church is unfixable. When I consult with churches, I am often asked by church pastors and lay leaders if I believe their church is going to make it. Honestly, sometimes I have my doubts. It is not unusual for a church to not realize their need for revitalization and transformation until things have become grim. Many of our churches are not just unhealthy, they are on life support and it is time to pull the plug. But if you suggest that to the church leadership they want to give you a sound beating. If church leaders would direct their passion toward transformation instead of denial, more churches would be transformed and flourish.

Most leaders are unaware that a normal church loses an average of 10% of its membership on a good year. If there is change in the church or if there is conflict, the decline will often be much more dramatic. That means that most churches need to bring in a minimum of 10% of their present membership to stay even. Honestly, it is an unusual church that experiences that much “Growth.” Thus, most are consistently losing ground on a regular basis. Often the decline is very slow, incremental and hard to detect. Unless, of course we have one of our good old fashioned church fights that poisons the atmosphere in the church and speaks volumes to the surrounding unchurched about all that is wrong with the church. No doubt the unchurched look at the church in open warfare over issues that seem inconsequential to them (And are usually inconsequential to the church, really.) and think, “See, I knew there were good reasons to not go to church.” Every preconceived negative notion they have about the church is proven when we just have to have a fight. One of the best things we could do for evangelism and church growth is to think about how our fight will affect others before we have one. And then not have it.

But the question of the day is, are some churches unfixable? To answer that, allow me to share a story from early in my ministry journey. I was a student minister the Christian Church in Waddy, Kentucky. The Christian Church in Waddy is one of those wonderful churches that are willing to put up with the ineptness of student ministers to have a sermon every Sunday and help kids like me gain some experience and hone some skills. I still think fondly of those wonderful people. One summer day a car pulled up in front of the parsonage and a lovely young woman, who was a stranger to me, emerged. She introduced herself and told me that her mother was a member of the church. Her mother, Nellie, had not attended for a long time because of a chronic illness. In fact, she had stopped by to let me know her mother was in the hospital in Shelbyville and ask me to go visit her. I was happy to and left almost immediately for the hospital.

When I entered Nellie’s room I was struck by how small she was. A better word would be emaciated. She could not have weighed more than 100 pounds. As we conversed she shared that she had come to the hospital because she could not hold down any food. I asked her how long she had been ill. She said, “About 20 years.” I thought, but didn’t say, Wow! Later in the conversation I mentioned that I had met her daughter and we talked about her for a while. Having a child, I assumed she was married so I asked about her husband. At that question an amazing change came over her. Within seconds Nellie’s demeanor totally changed. No longer warm and engaging, she became hostile and surly. It was as if a storm had suddenly internally overtaken her. Her voice even changed. It took on an edge. She told me she was no longer married. That she and her daughter’s father had divorced. From her profoundly negative response I thought the divorce must have been recent. Divorces take some time to get over – to get past. There is a grieving period.

Again I was completely floored when she said they had been divorced for several years. My mind started clicking and I asked her exactly how long they had been divorced. She replied, “About 20 years.” In my head the lights flashed and the warning sirens went off: Twenty years sick and twenty years literally hating her ex-husband’s guts. Sounded like a significant connection to me.

Being young and stupid I asked her, “Nellie, have you ever considered that your illness and your obvious hatred for your ex-husband could be connected? Could it be that your hatred and unforgiveness are causing you to be ill?” She looked me directly in the eye for what seemed to be a very long time and then said, with the light coming on behind her eyes, “Yes. I believe there is a connection.”

“Would you like for me to pray with you so you can forgive your ex and seek God’s healing?” I will never forget her reply. She simply said, “I’d rather die.” And she did.

So, can a church be unfixable. Yes, but only if it chooses to be. When a church is confronted with the need to change; with the need for transformation and refuses, it is saying the same thing Nellie said to me all those years ago in that Shelbyville, Kentucky, hospital. I’d rather die.

And that is, to me, the surprising answer I hear from many churches. They don’t say they would rather die. But they do refuse to change and that is basically declaring a death wish. And that is Unfixable.


Bill McConnell is Senior Minister at Lindenwood Christian Church in Memphis, Tennessee and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at http://bookstore.westbowpress.com/Products/SKU-000690219/Developing-a-Significant-Church.aspx. He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/pages/William-T-McConnell/812462358785951 or on Twitter @bill45053.
Copyright © 2014, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Like or Love... Humm

My wife, Nancy, and I just celebrated out 25^th wedding anniversary. For a guy my age, that is not a huge number. Most of the couples I know around my age are looking at 40 plus years of marriage. All I can tell you is that I am a slow learner. It’s my second marriage. It has taken me a while to figure this relationship thing out.

From the beginning let me say that I like people. I am familiar with like. I know like and I know how to do like. It is love that has been confusing for me. That is not entirely my fault. The first time I ran across love, I didn’t know what it was and I was told that what I was experiencing really wasn’t love. I believed what I was told and that understanding (or misunderstanding) messed with me for most of my life. It negatively impacted some of the most important relationships I formed. Not knowing what love was… what it looked like… what it acts like caused me to confuse like for love and to get into relationships that “like” could not sustain.

As I have spent some time musing over my life and looking at the life lessons I have learned, I can, from this vantage point, clearly see how my like/love confusion came into being and the impact it had on my life. When I was 15 years old I fell in love. Her name was Nancy and she was sweet and pretty and kind and smart and fun to be with. Best of all, she loved me.  She must have loved me because she once told my dad that she thought I was beautiful. I really wish she had not done that because it caused me to endure more teasing that most 15 year olds could stand. But she made it clear to me that she really did love me. She, being thoroughly adorable, was easy to love in return. She was about 5’ 2”, dark hair, green eyes and cute as a bug’s ear. She was so pretty she scared me. I never would have considered asking her out because I was sure she would laugh at me. When I did ask, I was floored when she responded positively.

When I say I fell in love, I don’t mean I had a crush on a girl I went to school with. I mean I fell head over heels, flat on my face, I can’t think of anything but you, heart achingly, no holds barred, I would die for you in love. I was completely “et up” with love. She was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I thought about before sleep came at night. I wanted to spend all my time with her, talking to her, looking at her, touching her, smelling her. I had lost my mind. And I was in heaven. When I say, I lost my mind; I don’t mean it was for a couple of weeks. I lost my mind over her for years.

Now I know that I was in love… really in love. Unfortunately, the adults in my life told me that I was suffering from “puppy love.” Whatever that is. Adults would sagely nod their heads and inform me that what I had wasn’t real love. They said I wasn’t old enough to experience real love. Mine was just a teenage crush. When I got older I would meet the right woman and fall in love. No, I was just suffering from infatuation. They were right about one thing; I was suffering.

Having been assured that what I was experiencing was not the real thing and that the best was yet to come, I failed to invest completely in the relationship. After suffering through several breakups and reconciliations, Nancy decided that she could no longer deal with trying to have a relationship with me and she moved on. And so did I. We went our separate ways and off to college.

While in college I dated several wonderful girls. I fell into “like” with one in particular and we were engaged. But the relationship was unsustainable and we parted company. My senior year I found a wonderful girl and fell deeply in like. She was pretty, kind, smart, talented and she really liked me. We were married. We were together for 16 years and had four awesome children. We shared many good years and really enjoyed our children. Liking someone is important in marriage. I would never suggest marrying someone you don’t like. But like is not enough. And it was not enough for us. The marriage fell apart and great was the fall thereof.

And then it happened again. I fell in love. Her name was (is) Nancy. (Coincident? Odd? Mean something? Beats me.) When it happened it was déjà vu. It took me a while to realize what was happening. It all seemed strangely familiar and yet oddly strange. I finally realized that I had felt like this before… almost exactly a quarter of a century before. But with the seasoning and understanding that those years had brought, I realized that I had fallen in love and, this time, I knew love when I saw it. Nobody was going to convince me, this time around, that it was a passing feeling; a shallow, childish crush; puppy love. This time I recognized it as love.

It has been 25 years and I am still head over heels, flat on my face, I can’t think of anything but her, heart achingly, no holds barred, I would die for you in love. I am completely “et up” with love. She is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing I think about before sleep comes at night. I want to spend all my time with her; talking to her, looking at her, touching her, smelling her. I lost my mind over her 25 years ago and I still haven’t managed to find the danged thing. I like her… but, more than that, I am in love.

Copyright © 2013, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved