My Parents' Good/Bad Parenting

I grew up a longtime ago in what many people believe to be a different world. It was different and it was the same.

Way back then we didn’t have cell phones, computers, color television or cable. We didn’t have 250 channels of worthless crap to watch on TV and could actually walk around without our faces buried in an electronic device. We didn’t have instant messaging and Facebook (Thank you Jesus!) 

We did have some things then that we don’t have now: front porches to sit on and talk to neighbors; milk and newspapers delivered to our doors, meals as a family with meaningful conversation; neighbors we actually knew; the ability to play outside; the exercise of walking to school; friends we actually talked to and unfriended by telling them to buzz off. 

But we did have several things back then that we still have today: criminals; perverts, kidnappings; crime; guns; drunk drivers; senseless killings; child abuse; broken homes; spousal abuse; inept governments; sports teams and rabid fans; and much more. Much has changed but then very little has changed. It was observed long ago – “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1:9)

One thing that has changed are the philosophies and methods of child rearing. And in some cases, change is not necessarily progress or improvement. My parents practiced what could be benign neglect. There were few interactions between parents and children and, as far as the children were concerned, the fewer the better. Most parent-child interactions were not cause for celebration. Parents didn’t feel the need to entertain their children. Many of today’s parents are called “Helicopter Parents,” who hover over their children 24/7. In light of today’s methodology, my parents’ methods were archaic and somewhat frightening. But I would say in their defense, I lived to adulthood as a healthy, happy, independent and well-adjusted person. I would say they did something right. Allow me to share some of their good bad parenting decisions.

First, each and every time they caught me doing something wrong, they punished me. Fortunately for me, they didn’t catch me every time, but when they did something very unhappy happened. If nothing else, they were consistent. I learned the concept of cause and effect. Good behavior brought good results and bad behavior brought bad results. What the Bible calls sowing and reaping. I also learned accountability. The results of my behavior, good or bad, were my doing. There was no one else to blame.

They held me to high expectations. Anything under a B on a report card was unacceptable. When we worked on a project we worked on it until it was finished. If I went out for a sport I didn’t quit that sport until the season was over. All of the summer jobs my father found me while I was in high school were hard work. I was ALWAYS ON TIME to work, never missed work and NEVER GOT FIRED. From this outdated parenting, I learned a great work ethic.

If I got into trouble at school, I got in trouble at home. If I got in trouble with the law I would rather go to jail than go home and face my father. I called all of the adults in my life Mr. or Mrs. or sir and ma’am. And thus, I learned to respect authority and respectful behavior in general.

The best things my parents taught me were independence and fearlessness. They did this through trusting me to make good decisions and allowing me to be in uncomfortable situations, make mistakes and suffer the consequences of those mistakes. Here are a few examples of their craziness:

• ·      Beginning in the first grade I walked over ½ mile to school and when we moved to the country I walked a mile to the school bus stop with no adults along for the walk.
• ·     During the summer, I left home to play with friends immediately after breakfast and came home in time for dinner. And, no, I didn’t have a cell phone so they could track me. They had figured out I wasn’t some idiot child who had to be constantly watched.
• ·      I learned how to safely handle a gun by age 12 and went rabbit hunting with friends.
• ·    When I was 14, my brother was 16 and my little sister was 10, we all (sans parents) loaded up in the family car and drove from Louisville, Kentucky, to Washington, D.C. to see the sights and visit relatives.
• ·     While in college my brother and I left home one summer for 2 ½ months to tour the country. We ate one meal a day (Which we prepared because our mother had taught us to cook.) and slept out on the ground. We checked in once a week via phone.

Were my parents perfect parents – or course not. But I would choose their methods over the accepted parenting methods of today. My siblings and my friends grew up happy, secure, mature and independent. Many of the children of today who have received trophies for showing up for a sport and been under the constant shadow, presence and (over) protection of their parents need safe places at college and to go un-criticized and coddled at school and the work place. They are unable to function in real life in the cold, cruel world and the parents need to take the blame for that.

Our children must learn that success is earned, criticism is healthy and helpful, disappointment is a part of life, defeat and failure are necessary motivation to attain success. Our children need to grow up and if they are protected from difficulties, challenges, heartache, loss, and disappointments, they will never mature. And if they fail to mature life will just chew they up and spit them out. Is that really what we want for our children? I think not.

Copyright © 2017, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Bill McConnell is the Interim Minister at Norwood Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press. He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon

We Could Use Some Grownups

As I am observing the response to the election of Donald Trump to the Presidency, I find I have watched and listened to about as much of this whine-a-thon as I can stand. I am wondering where all the grownups have gone.

Like two-year-old’s throwing temper tantrums, people have taken to the streets to “protest” his election… like that will change anything. I’m not picking on the Democrats as a party… no doubt the Republicans would have reacted just as poorly if their candidate had been defeated. Though it must be noted that they reacted to the election of Barrack Obama with a bit more class than we are seeing displayed following the recent election.

In all honesty, I must admit that I don’t have any skin in the game. I couldn’t stand either candidate. I find it disconcerting that I, as a person who as a young man aspired to a career in politics, have come to the point that I am completely disillusioned with what the political system has become and have lost all respect for politicians doing their self-serving business as usual. I feel that any person who invests any hope in the government solving our social ills is ignorant, ill-informed or pathetically naive.

My concerns are not about who was elected, because I seriously doubt it will make any difference. What concerns me is, instead, the whiny, immature reaction to whomever was elected? We have had: Demonstrations in the streets that would ultimately change nothing; Letters, cards, e-mails and even threats to the members of the Electoral College demanding they not vote as they were obligated; Demands that we do away with the Electoral College; College students requiring time off from tests and classes because of the emotional upheaval caused by the defeat of their candidate. Some campuses even provided counseling, safe zones and therapy for the poor traumatized students. Pathetic. We could use some grownups around here.

It seems that for the past few decades we have been in the process of producing a mass of immature “grownups.” They are large… well fed… are generally well educated… some of them have jobs… pretty good with technology… spend lots of money and have the emotional maturity of twelve years old’s. This does not include all younger people, but it would seem to describe a noteworthy chunk of the population.

There are significant shifts in child rearing that have occurred over my lifetime that have brought the outcome we are experiencing. The first I noticed was when my generation hit our twenties. When we were growing up, a person over the age of 21 was addressed as Sir or Ma’am or as Mr. or Mrs. Soandso. In our quest to be forever young, we, instead, insisted that children call us by our first names; something usually reserved for close friends… the first step on a slippery slope. Then when we started having children we decided that instead of respecting us we wanted our children to like us. I still remember the day my father, whom I adore, told me, “I don’t care if you like me. I am not your friend. I am your father. You will have many friends. I am the only father you will ever have.”

Then we made the brilliant decision that our children were precious little darlings that we parents were tasked with delivering through childhood with nary a scratch nor a dent. We became “Helicopter Parents”, hovering over our children making sure no harm could come to them. Parents today who allow their children to walk down the street to play in the local park are in danger of being charged with child neglect. It has become poor parenting to let a child outside of the parent’s view. We have lost our collective mind and are raising a generation of adult children.

Being and old person I remember leaving the house shortly after breakfast, on a fine summer day, and returning at sunset not having any meaningful interactions with an adult all day. It was heavenly. It was fun. The best times I had as a kid did not happen in the view of an adult. It was a part of the process of growing up. Were their dangerous and freaky people out there? Absolutely. And we sometimes ran into them. But me and my friends were the most dangerous people we had to deal with. We were kids… we made bad decisions and did stupid things. But we survived. We got into tense and sometimes dangerous situations and we learned how to deal with them. We ran into some odd and off center people and we learned how to deal with them. Sometimes we got hurt and we learned how to deal with it. Sometimes we got our feelings hurt, were occasionally bullied, had arguments and fights, didn’t get chosen for the team, got lost, got scared, got scarred, got mad and we learned how to deal with it. It is called maturing. Something we are stealing from our children.

Then someone came up with the amazingly insightful idea of giving everyone who was involved in a sport or an activity a Participant’s Trophy. Brilliant! No one ever had to suffer the agony of defeat. We are all winners. Just like in real life. NOT! Proof again that just because one went to college does not mean that one is necessarily intelligent. Perhaps we should have provided participant trophies for those who voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016 or the problem would have been solved by giving both candidates participant trophies and declared them “Co-winners.”

I still remember standing in line to pay my bill at a local restaurant chain and reading the posted help wanted sign. It said, “Help wanted. Apply to the manager. Good pay. If you come to work each day you are scheduled the first 30 days, you will receive a $50 bonus.” I read it a couple of times, thinking something sounds wrong. Then it occurred to me that when I showed up for work as scheduled for 30 days they let me keep my job. What were these people thinking? They were thinking “We are about to hire people who have the work ethic of a goat.”

I sense that most adults, in our saner moments, can attest to the fact that it was the difficult experiences we faced growing up that gave us the opportunities to mature. Losing instead of winning, failing instead of succeeding, getting hurt and getting over it, dealing with disappointment, falling flat, losing the girl… the ballgame… the tournament… the election… the job, all were important learning and maturing experiences. How do we expect our children to ever really grow up if we wrap them bubble wrap, hide them away in our perpetual shadows and keep them from all harm and alarm? Did I enjoy seeing my children go through hurtful and challenging times? Of course not. But I loved them enough to let them deal with the tough stuff because my desire was for them to grow up into mature, functioning adults. And they have.

My hope is that we, as a culture, soon come to our senses and begin again the difficult, challenging, arduous, sometimes painful task of growing up some real adults. It seems we could use some.

Copyright © 2016, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Bill McConnell is the Interim Minister at Norwood Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press.

He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon