Being healthy is never easy. Healthy living almost always demands we do some things that are difficult and don’t come easily. It takes thoughtful discipline.
And that is why most of our churches are unhealthy and not growing. One very common bad habit I am presently addressing is what psychologists call Triangulation. The scripture calls it gossip. Gossip is talking about a problem when you are not a part of the problem nor a part of the solution. When we talk about people and things that are not our business, we do damage to relationships. Talking about people and problems we have nothing to do with causes anger, mistrust and hurt feelings. It is no wonder that the Bible tells us that God hates gossip.
It is interesting to me that we, of the church, get completely bent out of shape about things and “sins” that God doesn’t seem all that concerned about and, yet, we just accept something that God hates as a commonplace and unobjectionable. To see gossip for what it is, a very destructive habit, and insist that it no longer be tolerated, could radically impact the health of the church for the good.
Triangulation is called that because it is practiced as a triangle. Person A is offended by something Person B says or does. Instead of going directly to Person B to discuss the problem to seek understanding and reconciliation. This is the method Jesus describes in Matthew. He
put it like this: “If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower. But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others. The Scriptures teach that every complaint must be proven true by two or more witnesses.” (Matthew 18:15-16 (CEV))
Instead, our natural, unhealthy, sinful reaction is for Person A to go complain to Person C about the problem with Person B. Nothing is helped or solved. The problem remains, and the only thing accomplished is the spread of unhappiness, the choosing of sides, anger and hurt feelings.
And then there is one of my favorite things – anonymous notes and letters. Such things used to disturb me and keep me awake at night. As I have grown older and have more experience, I have learned to deal with them. I don’t read them. Any note or letter I receive, the first thing I do is check for a signature. No signature – no read. If one doesn’t have the courage and caring to talk to me face-to-face, one failed to earn the right to be heard.
The people who do come to me with there complaints and suggestions occasionally complain that I don’t listen to them. Not true. I listen. I often just don’t do what they want. Used to spineless pastors do as they demand; some people just assume I wasn’t listening. If their complaint or suggestion is not in line with the clearly stated mission of the church, it just isn’t going to happen. Many of these people think the church exists to make them happy and meet their needs and have difficulty grasping the reality that the church exists to meet the needs of those who have not yet come. We are here less to serve the church and more to serve and attract those not yet a part of the church. It is called evangelism.
Who wants to be a part of a group or organization that is unhappy and toxic? Some people might, but they are rare. And why would people be attracted to such a group and atmosphere? And who is attracted to a selfish, self-serving group of people who call themselves a church? And then we wonder why new people don’t come around or stick when they do.
Again, I will say that I believe that like any living thing, healthy churches naturally grow. And unhealthy churches naturally become unhealthier.
Copyright © 2018, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved
Bill McConnell is the Interim Minister at Norwood Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press.
He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon
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