As I write this, I am thinking of my brother and sisters. Today is my late brother’s birthday. He would have been 73. I miss him almost every day. He was my best friend and my hero. He was the one who introduced me to Christ.
I grew up with three sisters and a brother. There were many days I wished I were an only child. But, truth be told, I feel sorry for only children. They miss out on wonderful relationships, great adventures, and tremendous learning experiences. Siblings are the best. My three sisters are wonderful, kind, funny and generous.
My siblings often ate the food I wanted, got into my stuff, picked on me, got in my way, challenged my thinking, busted my chops and sometimes my ass, took attention I wanted from our parents, occasionally told on me, ticked me off, and made my life miserable. And I love them deeply and wouldn’t trade them and the years we lived together for anything.
Living with them taught me some important life skills. First and most important I learned how to love other people. My mother told us many times, “These are your siblings. They are the only ones you will ever have. (She was wrong. They adopted a child later in life.) They will be your brother and sisters forever. Love them.” And then mom and dad taught how to love. They were the first to help me understand that love is not a sweet, sticky feeling. Love is how you treat others. We learned to love by respecting each other, by being kind to each other, by sharing, by supporting and by forgiving each other.
People are, at heart, selfish and self-centered. That is not a critique, it is how we show up on this earth. We spend a lifetime working on getting over it. Unselfishness doesn’t come naturally nor easily. It is a learned characteristic. Siblings reared in emotionally healthy homes learn to care about and for each other. As a part of my training and vocation, I am a counselor. It has been interesting to me how often sibling position feeds into adult problems. I am a middle child and younger son. After considerable training and much personal insight, I can easily see how my position in the family hierarchy has affected my adult life. Being an only child often has a huge impact on adulthood and adult relationships. It is not the child’s fault; they had nothing to say about being an only child. Just as I had nothing to say about being a middle child. It is just the way it is. But it is important to be aware of that impact and parents of only children need to also be aware of the challenges of raising an only child to be an emotionally healthy adult. Overcoming the natural inclination to be selfish is one of those things.
- Bullies. Bullies were never a problem for me – I had a big brother. Somebody picked on me, I didn’t tell the teacher, (It only would have made matters worse.), I didn’t tell my parents, I told my big brother. Then we would go together to have a little meeting with the bully. We quietly and gently explained to him that if any more bullying happened, we would both come back and stomp the s**t out of him. Magically, the bullying stopped. And word quickly spread that if you fought one McConnell, you fought both McConnell’s. I didn’t have to pray for peace, I had a sibling.
- My parent’s rule was if one brought home anything less than a B on a report card, one was grounded until the next report card came out. That was usually six weeks. Six weeks of no dating, no hanging out with friends, no nothing. That was never a problem for my brother Bob. He was a brain. Me, not so much. My entire sophomore year I got A’s and B’s in chemistry, English, geometry and Latin – all AP. And I got straight C’s in typing class. I was grounded most of the school year. Except when the report cards came out on Fridays and my brother hid his and claimed they wouldn’t be out until Monday. I thus got to go out one weekend out of six. Thanks, Bob.
- Then there was the day I somehow forgot to show up at school. Mr. Trapp questioned my brother about my absence, (Which he knew nothing about.) and he told Vice Principle Trapp that I was sick. I got caught and was expelled, but Bob never said a word to our parents. Unfortunately, Mr. Trapp did and my life was very unpleasant for several weeks. At that point, grounding sounded pretty good.
Listening is both a skill and a habit many people never attain. Instead of listening, we spend most of our conversation time thinking about what we are going to say: to make our point or defend ourselves. Learning to listen to your brothers and sisters is great preparation for listening to others.
Having siblings, importantly, teaches the children to share: to share time; to share space and to share stuff. Close quarters cause one to learn to share. I fail to understand why, when young families add a child they feel obligated to supply to that child their own room. Some even buy new houses and to accomplish this. Sharing is a great skill to learn, especially if one ever plans on being married. Brother Bob and I shared a room for 18 years. It was often not easy. Bob liked to study. I did not. Bob was just a little bit messy. I was not. I liked to smoke and listen to the radio. Bob did not. Territory became important. More than once we divided the room and marked the boundaries with adhesive tape. The first time I mistakenly forgot to keep a right of way to the door. For a couple of weeks, I had to exit the room by jumping from my bed to the hallway. I got enough bruises to remind me never make that mistake again.
I also learned how to fight, both verbally and physically. Many a friendly wrestling match degraded into a fist fight. But, with the fighting, most importantly, we learned how to forgive and make up. It is an amazing and useful skill. I also learned to develop a thick hide. A sibling will tease you, make fun of you, argue with you and zing you at every opportunity. Thus, the thicker hide and the ability to not take one’s self quite so seriously.
We also learned how to use one another’s strengths and skills. I’m not sure how it happened, but I distinctly remember helping to wrestle one of my sisters, as she prepared for a date, into her girdle. As much as I wish it weren’t, it was an unforgettable experience. My brother was an all-star pitcher who threw as hard as anyone I have ever seen. While on our high school varsity baseball team he threw several no-hitters. The opposing teams hated to see him take the mound. He threw batting practice for me. I figured if I could hit him, I could hit anyone. My oldest sister, Kae, was my father’s favorite. Instead of resenting that, we other sibs used that. If we wanted something we would ask Kae to ask Dad for us. He just couldn’t tell her no. I worked like magic.
Having a bunch of siblings rattling around the house with me taught me a lot. But it mainly taught me what it was like to be loved. Thanks, Kae, Linda, Bob, and Liz. You’re the best.
Copyright © 2018, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved
Bill McConnell is the Interim Minister at Norwood Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press.
He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon
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