Hold Please

No doubt many of the same things that irritate you irritate me.

For example, I don’t like to receive unsolicited sales calls. As a matter of fact, I don’t like to receive solicited sales calls. I just don’t like sales calls. Okay, I just don’t like calls. All of my life I have found talking on the phone perplexing. It makes me uncomfortable. Talking on the phone isn’t very challenging so I feel, on a certain level, that I am wasting my time.

Years ago, in one of my offices, I equipped myself with a telephone headset. The kind that those people who make the sales calls I can’t stand wear. Instead of hanging up the phone, dialing a new number, having to brace the handset against their shoulders while they take notes, they just wear a headset. I wore a headset and did none of those things. With the headset on I was able to take calls and continue to work on the article I was writing, or get up and go to the bathroom (it was wireless), or browse through the mail, or go stand at the window and watch the kids play on the parking lot… do just about anything but fully engage in the conversation. Being an introvert, I am not big on chitchat. We introverts love meaningful conversations and can stay engaged in them for hours. But small talk; not so much. Thus, not generally enjoying chatting, I find that telephone conversations are normally truly problematic.

I love it (he said sarcastically) when I am trying to do some business on the phone and am put on hold. I especially love when a call is answered like this: “Dr. Smith’s office. Can you hold?” Click. With no chance to answer, I am put on hold. It is probably best they don’t give me a chance to answer since I would probably say something I might regret. On the few occasions they have waited I have responded with “No”. I may as well have said nothing since I was put on hold anyway.

Many businesses are now equipped with phone systems that play music while you are on hold. Some play commercials for the business or hospital. I hate those. Normally the music provided is twenty year old pop music played in elevator music style. Occasionally I amuse myself by playing a little game of “Name That Tune” with the on hold music. Rarely I find the music selection to be engaging and I rather enjoy my time on hold. One time, after several minutes on hold listening to some of my favorite music, the official telephone answerer came on the line and asked if she could help me. When I asked if she could put me back on hold until the tune I was listening to was over she was completely speechless. That was a good day.

Yesterday I had a new on hold experience. I had gone on-line to request a car insurance quote. I went on line because I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE. I wanted them to either do the quote on line (as advertised) or send me an e-mail. Almost immediately my cell phone went off and continued to ring all afternoon as insurance company after insurance company called to give me a quote. I handled all of the callers as I did the first caller. The caller informed me that he was calling because I had requested an insurance quote and wanted to know if I would like to talk to an agent. They all seemed completely thrown when I responded with a hardy NO. If I had wanted to talk to an agent, I would have called an agent. I specifically did not want to talk to an agent. I gave this detailed explanation to one of the callers and hung up. The same guy called again within 20 minutes. Our second conversation was not nearly as pleasant as the previous one.

But my favorite call came around 4:30. The phone rang and I was ready to start my “I’m not interested in talking to anyone” spiel. I answered the phone and was surprised to hear only music. Music. No, hello. No, would you like to talk to an agent. Just music. It took me a second to realize that I had already been put on hold. This telemarketer had called me and put me on hold BEFORE I even answered the phone. Good, Lord, if he was too busy to talk, why did he call in the first place? It was so weird that I loved it.

I don’t have time to finish this blog right now. Could you hold, please?

Copyright © 2013, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved