Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally or easily. It
must be learned and then practiced.
Why
Forgive When We Have Really Been Wronged? Forgiving doesn't make sense to us.
After all, I have a right to be angry and unforgiving, especially when the
one who wronged us hasn’t apologized. I am only doing what is natural
and normal. I owe it to myself.
We read
this lesson of forgiveness in this exchange between Peter and Jesus.
"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall
I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus
answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore,
the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his
servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of
gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that
he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
“At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he
begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on
him, canceled the debt and let him go.
“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants
who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him.
‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees
and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused.
Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the
debt.
"When
the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told
their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant
in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because
you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I
had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured,
until he should pay back all he owed. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat
each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.” Matthew
18:21-35 (NIV)
This story makes it clear that our need for forgiveness must certainly
motive us to forgive others. There is not a double standard in the forgiveness
business.
Forgiveness sets the forgiver and the forgiven free.
It is good and
healthy for both parties involved. Both the offender and the offended are stuck
at the point of pain. Unforgiveness is a
heavy burden born by both people involved.
Failing to forgive is not a rational choice… if we are AWARE OF
THE SPIRITUAL RAMIFICATIONS.
“This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed
be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in
heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And
forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not
into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’ For if you forgive
other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive
you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive
your sins. Matthew 6:9-15 (NIV)
To be forgiven we must forgive. It is stated clear in what we call the
Lord’s Prayer that we are forgiven only as we forgive. Jesus went on to
reiterate this basic spiritual truth after sharing the lesson on prayer. It is
a basic truth that we must never lose sight on. We are reminded of this
foundational truth every week when we pray the Lord’s Prayer.
Scripture also tells us that unforgiveness is unhealthy. Unforgiveness
and the bitterness that it leads to is an underlying cause of spiritual,
emotional and physical illness. Many time in his ministry of healing, Jesus
spoke to the need for forgiveness as synonymous with healing. The two go hand
in hand.
"Jesus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own
town. Some men brought to him a paralyzed man, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw
their faith, he said to the man, “Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.” At
this, some of the teachers of the law said to themselves, “This fellow is
blaspheming!” Knowing their thoughts, Jesus said, “Why do you entertain evil
thoughts in your hearts? Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or
to say, ‘Get up and walk’? But I want you to know that the Son of Man has
authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the paralyzed man, “Get up,
take your mat and go home.” Matthew
9:1-6 (NIV)
Because it is not something we humans do naturally, forgiveness is
difficult. It is not complex but it is difficult.
- Forgiving someone means giving up resentment and the right to get even with him or her, even though you were wronged.
- You are not saying they were not wrong; you are just letting the repercussions go.
- One reason He commands us to forego hostility and vengeance is that these things cause so much damage to our own lives.
Most doctors
believe that our emotional state directly and powerfully impacts us physically.
A quote
that has been attributed to many people says, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and
hoping the other person dies.” Not forgiving another does much less damage to
them than it does to us. Let me sight a case I am familiar with.
It was late in the spring of 1971. I was a seminary student serving my
student church in Shelby County Kentucky. On a warm Sunday afternoon I was
enjoying the beautiful day sitting on the front porch of the little parsonage
the church made available to our growing family. The town was tiny so when any
traffic drove by it was noticeable. When a car pulled up in front of the house
it had my full attention. Within moments a extremely beautiful woman I had
never seen before approached from the car. She introduced herself and told me
that her mother, who had been ill for several years, was a member of the church
I served. Her mother was severely ill and would I go visit her? I was, of
course, happy to.
After checking in with my wife, I headed off to the county
hospital in Shelbyville. After tracking down the room number, I discovered a
very tiny, very ill woman. She weighed well under 100 pounds. When I asked how
she was doing, she described her symptoms. She was suffering from a chronic,
extreme GI problem.
Making conversation I mentioned that I had met her daughter and she
beamed with pride. Then I told her I had not yet met her husband. The
atmosphere in the room changed. Storm clouds gathered and lightening flashed.
She suddenly became a different woman; agitated, frustrated and hostile. She
announced that she was divorced. I thought it must be recent to be so raw. When
I asked, “How long?” She replied, “Fifteen years.”
As we wrapped up our visit and I prepared to pray for her, I asked how
long she had been suffering from her affliction, to which she replied, “About
15 years.” A light bulb went off in my head. I asked her if she thought her
unforgiveness and hatred she had for her ex-husband could be the cause of her
illness. She thought about it for several seconds that felt like minutes to me
before she said, “Yes they could be connected.” Ceasing on a great ministry
opportunity I asked her, “Would you like for me to pray with you to forgive
your ex and then ask God to heal you.” She looked me directly in my eyes and
said something I will never forget. She said, “No, I would rather die.” And
soon thereafter she did.
Forgiveness is unnatural but important. So we must look at how we
forgive others. There are steps we can take in forgiving others. It is not a
momentary emotional response to the situation. It is a decision that must then
be carried out.
1.
Face the reality of your hurt. Don’t pretend it didn’t
happen or it doesn’t matter. It was real and it was wrong. Don’t diminish it or
blow it off.
2.
Don’t wait for an apology. Forgiveness is a unilateral
move. It doesn’t have to follow an apology. Forgiveness is not about fixing
what was done. It is about putting the experience behind you and getting on
with life.
3.
Decide to forgive. Forgiveness is not an emotional
response, at is an act of the will… a decision.
4.
Continue to practice forgiving until it is done. Decide to
forgive and then keep on forgiving. Every time the event comes to mind,
actively forgive. Abandon the negative thoughts and choose the positive.
Unforgiveness is powerfully destructive. Forgiveness is even
more powerful.
Copyright © 2015, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved
Bill McConnell is Senior Minister at Lindenwood Christian
Church in Memphis, Tennessee and is a Church Transformation consultant and a
Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation
events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT
CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press.
He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit
his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon
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