Dealing with Challenging People in the Church

Having been around for a long time, I have often heard people describe their churches as being like “a family.” That description causes me to think. I have been a part of churches like that: a family—a profoundly dysfunctional family. Most congregations live with strained relationships. The strained relationships in a congregation are rarely brought out on the table and talked about—dysfunctional behavior.
Our motivation toward inaction may be to believe talking about the problem would not be polite. Somehow we have developed the idea that, as Christians, we must be nice and that being nice means putting up with other people’s poor behavior. Perhaps we fear that talking about our problems will just make them worse. Or that a fight might break out. We live in the hope that, if we ignore our problems, they will just go away. But they don’t. They just remain under the surface and fester, and the church family remains dysfunctional.

But somehow even occasional visitors to worship services sense the tension that our unresolved problems cause. The visitors can’t quite put their fingers on what it is about the church that bothers them, but they are not interested in becoming a part of that church family. You certainly can’t blame them. Most of them feel that if they wanted to fight, they could just stay home on Sunday morning. That would have worked in my family.

For whatever reason or reasons, churches tend to ignore broken relationships and pretend that there is nothing wrong with their problem people. One of the first difficult things a leader will find himself or herself doing in revitalization is confronting some longtime members about their unacceptable behavior. Soon after arriving at Faith Christian Church in Omaha, Nebraska, Doug Pfeiffer confronted old problems. Doug approached these hurts and problems head on. In his words, “The church continued to struggle with the sudden and misunderstood departure of the long-term former pastor. We talked about this incident head on when it surfaced. Another was long-standing feuds between families and leaders. We dealt with conflict and dealt with it head on—bringing parties together to talk through the issues.” Doug’s loving but no-nonsense approach soon led his church beyond these problems and helped prepare the church for transformation.

Like many families, many churches have people who control those around them by using anger whenever something doesn’t go their way. Churches find themselves tiptoeing around their problem people and not even suggesting some new ministries for fear of setting off those people. I have difficulty understanding why churches often not only attract people with borderline personality disorders but often move those people into positions of leadership. Such people take it as their calling in life to keep the church from having a positive impact in their community.

Hasn’t every church had something proposed and found that a vast majority of the people, if not excited about the proposal, are at least willing to give it a try? Then someone begins to complain. They complain and gather a couple more complainers into their corner. Suddenly, a perfectly good ministry is stopped in its tracks because a vocal minority is against it. The minority rules because we don’t want to make anyone angry. Well, that’s not true. We probably make lots of people very angry while we are working so hard on keeping Mr. Cranky happy. The “new people” who proposed the new ministry, quietly leave the church, things remain the same, and some old-time members wonder what ever happened to that nice young couple who joined last year.

Possibly the church’s hurts, heartaches, and brokenness are in the distant past. Most people may counsel the leadership to leave well enough alone. I would urge a church to have a healing service. In that service, the church (people) would write on small pieces of paper the hurts and disappointments they have suffered. These could be brought to the altar where a prayer of forgiveness and healing would be offered. The people could be urged in the following week to seek reconciliation wherever possible.

If the people who have broken relationships still attend the church, it is very important to get those folks into the same room for a healing service. They need to talk about the circumstances of their strained relationship, hear what each other has to say, ask for forgiveness, and pray with and for each other. This is easier said than done. Most people will do almost anything to avoid such a “confrontation.” But once it has happened, it is amazing to feel the difference in the atmospheric pressure in the church.

These cranky barrier people and guardians of the status quo often wield great power in the life of the church. Often, they have been around a long time, have taken on some of the most difficult and unpopular jobs in the church (such as teaching junior high boys or chairing the evangelism committee), or have worked hard to position themselves in key leadership roles. Other church members would rather do anything to keep them where they are so they don’t get stuck with that job. Somehow we get the idea that seniority matters in the church and that if one has seniority then he or she wields extra power and influence. As members of the church board, they have convinced other members that the job of the board is to keep any new things presented from happening. The board, and some church lay leaders who no longer serve on the board but are perceived to have power, become the gatekeepers and keep the church safe from change. These guardians have several methods of controlling the direction of the church. As much as we hate to face it, many of these methods are unhealthy. Acceptance of such behavior by others in the church is why many church systems are dysfunctional. Among the weapons in the guardians’ arsenals are: temper tantrums, threats to withhold financial support, leaving the church and trying to influence as many as possible to come with them, gathering allies and attacking (usually just verbally) those who disagree with them, and demanding that the pastor resign.

Such behavior must not be tolerated. It must be confronted and named for what it is. Most people don’t care for confrontation. I know I don’t. But if one is going to truly be a leader, he must learn the art of positive, healthy confrontation. In fact, willingness to confront negative, unhealthy behavior in the church is a sign of leadership. It takes courage, prayer, faith, and a deep love for the church to confront people in the church who are damaging the church by their unhealthy, hurtful behavior. Such confrontation should be done in private meetings, but the leader should never go into such a meeting alone. Doing so sets one up to be misunderstood, misquoted, and misrepresented. Always do confrontation with at least one witness who has credibility in the church. At times a leader has no choice but to confront a problem of a problem person in a public forum. This should be done only when you are left with no alternatives.

Dealing with problem people is something that does not need to be done very often. Just as problem people get reputations in the church around their behavior, a leader willing to confront problems and problem people also quickly gets a reputation. People soon come to understand that poor behavior will not be tolerated; and such behavior quickly ceases, or problem people quickly move on to other churches or organizations where their behavior will be tolerated. But we are slow to do the needed confrontation because confrontation doesn’t seem nice.

Sometimes it is difficult to deal with problems and problem people because of the subtle methods they use or because of their passive/aggressive behavior. But sooner or later the opposition will rise to the surface. It is important to know this so that the church leadership is not blindsided by the opposition. Rev. Judy Turner tells of an experience she had several years ago, early in her work of church transformation. “Some of the leaders opposed passively, not showing up or participating in new gatherings or groups I initiated. Others expressed ‘concern’ to me about how many people were upset by what I was doing. When I was on vacation, some of the congregation got together and signed a letter asking me to resign, which arrived by certified mail when I returned.” This attempt at sabotaging her ministry instead led to confrontation that enabled her to move ahead with the transformation of the church.

It is important to keep in mind that some of the old guard, though not necessarily in favor of some changes that need to be made, can probably live with the changes. Pastor Brad Powell of NorthRidge Church in Plymouth, Michigan, gives some excellent advice in dealing with longtime members in times of transformation and change. “Unfortunately, leaders sometimes make the mistake of seeing these veterans as the enemy. While some people do become negative and disruptive, they’re still God’s people who have given sacrificially to start, build, and grow the church. The goal isn’t to get rid of them, but to get them so committed to being like Jesus that they’re willing to sacrifice what they love to reach those whom God loves.”

This blog is an excerpt from my book, RENEW YOUR CONGREGATION: HEALING THE SICK AND RAISING HE DEAD.

Copyright © 2015, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved

Bill McConnell is Senior Minister at Lindenwood Christian Church in Memphis, Tennessee and is a Church Transformation consultant and a Christian Leadership Coach. He is a frequent speaker at Church Transformation events. His latest book on church transformation is DEVELOPING A SIGNIFICANT CHURCH and is available at Westbow Press. He can be contacted @ bill45053@gmail.com. Connect with him on Facebook @ William T. McConnell or on Twitter @billmc45053 or visit his Amazon Author Page @ Amazon.