Cream to 2%

As often happens, as I gain some age and perspective, I have been taking a look back to process what I have experienced and possibly learned. I do this with some consternation because I have seen older folks do this all my life and they seem to almost always bemoan the good things that have been lost in their lifetimes. It is often a – woe is me, the world is going to hell in a hand basket – discourse. I don’t want to be one of those people.

But I also don’t think it takes one of great intelligence to realize that the shift in our value system over the past 50 years has had a profound impact upon our society. Some of that impact and those changes have been good and healthy. We now talk about some things we need to talk about that used to be taboo. In some ways we are more open and honest and real. And I love that.

But unless one is mired deeply in denial, it is painfully obvious that many of the changes in our values have had a negative effect on our culture. Many of us are in denial because admitting that negative impact would mean we have made some very wrong decisions and put our faith in some pretty poor values. We would rather dance around the issues than admit that we are wrong. My generation, like most generation before and after, believed ourselves to be the smartest people to ever inhabit the earth. All great thinking began with us. Those who came before us may have been well meaning but not too smart.

One doesn’t have to stop, look, listen and think very long before perceiving that something is wrong and the solutions we have applied to the problems we have encountered are not producing great results. In my simple, pragmatic way, I would say that if it isn’t working we should try something else. I would also suggest we take a hard look at our value system and how it has been changed over the years.

I heard a dear friend speak of his concern for the effect his grandfather had on his father and uncles over the years. Even after fifty years, his impact was powerful, dynamic and destructive. One of my friend’s uncles had committed suicide that week. The family was thrown into chaos. The uncle was the type of individual "that would never do such a thing". It caused the speaker to have vague fears about the effect his "weirdness" would have on his children and grandchildren. 

My fears are the opposite. I fear the lack of effect my "weirdness" will have on my children. I see myself as a transmitter of values from my father to my children. Family values are not easily communicated today. There is so much competition from other sources. School, television, movies, professional athletes, pop "feel-good" psychology and other influences give the family plenty of competition. And, to further complicate the matter, I have not been a good conductor. When I needed to be high quality copper, it seems I have been cheap iron. My father's values are not being transmitted well. As they say, much has been lost in the translation.

My father's value system was both beautiful and functional. His values were like thick cream skimmed off the top of life; rich, full, and useful. One could almost sink one's teeth into them. His values were strong, bold and solid. They worked. They were passed down through the proceeding generations and developed over the years through hard work, thought, application, reconsideration and reapplication. He received them as a precious gift from his father and he gave them to me. Not just for safekeeping, but to help me get them most out of life and to help me add the most to life. Values were to empower me to live, instead of a life of success, a life of significance. 

Several years ago my older brother and I compared notes and recollections and recognized these as some of the values we received from our father:

                        m Work hard and don't expect something for nothing.

                        m Make work fun.

                        m Listen to people. Really listen.

                        m Keep practicing until excellence is natural.

                        m Be generous in helping others.

                        m Be a giver not a taker.

                        m Set high goals and strive to attain them.

                        m Put God first, family second, and work third.

                        m Be dependable, a man of your word.

                        m Be prompt. Being late is rude.

                        m To have good friends you must be a good friend.

                        m Be fun to be around.

                        m Make sacrifices for your family and friends.

                        m Keep learning and thinking.

                        m Dare to dream big dreams. Have a vision.

                        m Stand up for what you believe to be right.

                        m Pray and trust God.

 

He gave me this magnificent chilled glass of thick rich cream. As he handed it to me, I could see the cream slosh up the sides of the tumbler, dripping with rivulets of condensation, and coating the glass with its translucent richness. He urged me to drink deeply of its cool sweetness knowing that the more of it I drank the more I would have to give to my children when it came time to pass the cup. Values, like love, are unusual in that the more you use them, the more you have to share.

But catastrophe struck before it came time to share its rich goodness with my progeny. I was there the entire time, but I am still not sure exactly what happened. I guess it happened so slowly and over such an extended period of time that the catastrophe failed to fully register in my consciousness. All I know for sure is that when I handed the glass to my children, the cream no longer stuck to the sides. When I looked closer I realized that the content of the glass was no longer rich, thick cream. It looked more like the 2% milk I now have on my cereal in the mornings. Much more watery than either whole milk or cream; 2% milk shows itself for the "weak sister" it is most clearly when it is used as a creamer in coffee. If you want to see something really nasty, put 2% milk in coffee.

The catastrophic change was unnoticed because it was not one grand accident where I (And my generation) tripped and spilled the values in a big mess on the floor. Instead, in out astounding egotism of thinking all great thinking began with us, we splashed a little out here, dribbled a bit there, choked on a mouthful here and poured a tad down the drain there. In my attempt to keep the glass full, I added a touch of water here and there to keep up the appearance of holding a full glass. After all, who was going to notice a little water?

Well, it ends up that I am the one who notices. I have noticed that our lack of solid values has had a powerfulliy negative effect on my world. Our culture in in chaos but we refuse to believe the chaos has anything to do with a faulty value system. We blame it on a lack of education, inequity of money distribution, political processes, classism, sexism, and corporate greed. The truth is all of these things are off kilter because our values are screwed up. We will not fix these social issues until we address our values.

But then, my children don't notice because they have never seen or experienced the real thing – the cream. The cultural assault on values crashing down on them from other sources makes for values more akin to sewage than cream. And I certainly didn’t help much: didn’t add much to the mix. Even so, though my values seem pretty thin and weak compared to those of my father, my watered down value system is quite distinct from the alternatives available to my children and grandchildren.

It is my prayer they can filter through the muck and somehow rediscover the rich, healthy, foundational values my father passed on to me.

Copyright © 2013, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved