My wife,
Nancy, and I just celebrated out 25th wedding anniversary. For a guy
my age, that is not a huge number. Most of the couples I know around my age are
looking at 40 plus years of marriage. All I can tell you is that I am a slow
learner. It’s my second marriage. It has taken me a while to figure this
relationship thing out.
From the
beginning let me say that I like people. I am familiar with like. I know like
and I know how to do like. It is love that has been confusing for me. That is
not entirely my fault. The first time I ran across love, I didn’t know what it
was and I was told that what I was experiencing really wasn’t love. I believed
what I was told and that understanding (or misunderstanding) messed with me for
most of my life. It negatively impacted some of the most important
relationships I formed. Not knowing what love was… what it looked like… what it
acts like caused me to confuse like for love and to get into relationships that
“like” could not sustain.
As I have
spent some time musing over my life and looking at the life lessons I have
learned, I can, from this vantage point, clearly see how my like/love confusion
came into being and the impact it had on my life. When I was 15 years old I fell
in love. Her name was Nancy and she was sweet and pretty and kind and smart and
fun to be with. Best of all, she loved me. She must have loved me because she once told
my dad that she thought I was beautiful. I really wish she had not done that
because it caused me to endure more teasing that most 15 year olds could stand.
But she made it clear to me that she really did love me. She, being thoroughly adorable,
was easy to love in return. She was about 5’ 2”, dark hair, green eyes and cute
as a bug’s ear. She was so pretty she scared me. I never would have considered
asking her out because I was sure she would laugh at me. When I did ask, I was
floored when she responded positively.
When I say I
fell in love, I don’t mean I had a crush on a girl I went to school with. I mean
I fell head over heels, flat on my face, I can’t think of anything but you, heart
achingly, no holds barred, I would die for you in love. I was completely “et up”
with love. She was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing
I thought about before sleep came at night. I wanted to spend all my time with
her, talking to her, looking at her, touching her, smelling her. I had lost my
mind. And I was in heaven. When I say, I lost my mind; I don’t mean it was for
a couple of weeks. I lost my mind over her for years.
Now I know
that I was in love… really in love. Unfortunately, the adults in my life told
me that I was suffering from “puppy love.” Whatever that is. Adults would
sagely nod their heads and inform me that what I had wasn’t real love. They
said I wasn’t old enough to experience real love. Mine was just a teenage
crush. When I got older I would meet the right woman and fall in love. No, I was
just suffering from infatuation. They were right about one thing; I was
suffering.
Having been
assured that what I was experiencing was not the real thing and that the best
was yet to come, I failed to invest completely in the relationship. After suffering
through several breakups and reconciliations, Nancy decided that she could no
longer deal with trying to have a relationship with me and she moved on. And so
did I. We went our separate ways and off to college.
While in
college I dated several wonderful girls. I fell into “like” with one in
particular and we were engaged. But the relationship was unsustainable and we
parted company. My senior year I found a wonderful girl and fell deeply in
like. She was pretty, kind, smart, talented and she really liked me. We were
married. We were together for 16 years and had four awesome children. We shared
many good years and really enjoyed our children. Liking someone is important in
marriage. I would never suggest marrying someone you don’t like. But like is
not enough. And it was not enough for us. The marriage fell apart and great was
the fall thereof.
And then it
happened again. I fell in love. Her name was (is) Nancy. (Coincident? Odd? Mean
something? Beats me.) When it happened it was déjà vu. It took me a while to realize what was happening. It all
seemed strangely familiar and yet oddly strange. I finally realized that I had
felt like this before… almost exactly a quarter of a century before. But with
the seasoning and understanding that those years had brought, I realized that I
had fallen in love and, this time, I knew love when I saw it. Nobody was going
to convince me, this time around, that it was a passing feeling; a shallow,
childish crush; puppy love. This time I recognized it as love.
It has been
25 years and I am still head over heels, flat on my face, I can’t think of
anything but her, heart achingly, no holds barred, I would die for you in love.
I am completely “et up” with love. She is the first thing on my mind in the
morning and the last thing I think about before sleep comes at night. I want to
spend all my time with her; talking to her, looking at her, touching her,
smelling her. I lost my mind over her 25 years ago and I still haven’t managed
to find the danged thing. I like her… but, more than that, I am in love.
Copyright ©
2013, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved
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