I consider it an amazing blessing to have the opportunity to travel around our country and consult with churches of all kinds – large and small; conservative and progressive (and everything in between); urban and rural; mainline and independent – all kinds. I love coaching pastors and hearing them "discover" the direction and giftedness within themselves God's has given and is giving.
What I do find disturbing in my consulting and coaching is how few truly healthy churches I see. It is not just that a vast majority of churches are not growing and flourishing and having a positive "Kingdom" impact on their local communities, it is that they are deeply troubled and relationally challenged. Most churches I observe and visit with describe themselves as a "family." And that is usually a valid reflection. Churches are often like families – dysfunctional families.
What I do find disturbing in my consulting and coaching is how few truly healthy churches I see. It is not just that a vast majority of churches are not growing and flourishing and having a positive "Kingdom" impact on their local communities, it is that they are deeply troubled and relationally challenged. Most churches I observe and visit with describe themselves as a "family." And that is usually a valid reflection. Churches are often like families – dysfunctional families.
It is almost universally true that churches want to grow (meaning-have enough members to pay the bills, hire a preacher and do the things they like to do.) and be healthy. Unfortunately they want to accomplish this while changing almost nothing they are presently doing. It seems obvious to me that if what they are doing is not producing the results they desire, they need to do something else. Instead, most churches insist on doing what they have always done and expecting different results. I have heard this concept as a definition of mental illness.
Churches also generally believe that the only changes they have to make are to the programs and ministries they are offering. Perhaps some long standing ministries have run their course and need to be ended and other, new, innovative ministries need to be begun. And even when those types of changes are proposed they commonly meet some pretty strong opposition. It seems that two of the most difficult things for a church to do are beginning a new ministry and ending and old ministry. Some folks seem willing to fight to the death over such issues.
For the past couple of decades, mainline churches have been involved in what has come to be known as "The Worship Wars." We have been battling over whether the church should offer traditional or contemporary worship. We have not only been combative, we have become hateful and snotty about the whole issue. Both camps tend to have a holier than thou, our form of worship is superior to your form of worship attitude. Frankly, I find the whole thing humorous. It is not about one form of worship being superior; it is just a matter of taste. It is mainly about our tastes in music which we attempt to elevate to some form of righteousness. I have a feeling God doesn't care what form of worship we subscribe to; instead I sense God would just love for us to occasionally really worship Him – like "in spirit and in truth."
As much as we fuss and fume over worship and ministries and change, we are missing much more important and foundational issues that we, the church, must deal with in order to bring transformation and health to the church we love. One of these is relationships.
Before any group – be it a family or a church – can function well and accomplish what it is designed to accomplish, that group must learn to do relationships well. We need to learn: how to talk to each other; how to treat each other; what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior; to honor and encourage each other; to speak the truth in love; to be honest and real; to extend grace and forgiveness.
There are several of pieces of Scripture that speak into the heart of healthy relationships. The first and most powerful Scripture on relationships is found in 1 Corinthians 13. Allow me to share some observations from a devotional written by a former ministry partner, Willisa Redford, on that passage. She wrote:
Churches also generally believe that the only changes they have to make are to the programs and ministries they are offering. Perhaps some long standing ministries have run their course and need to be ended and other, new, innovative ministries need to be begun. And even when those types of changes are proposed they commonly meet some pretty strong opposition. It seems that two of the most difficult things for a church to do are beginning a new ministry and ending and old ministry. Some folks seem willing to fight to the death over such issues.
For the past couple of decades, mainline churches have been involved in what has come to be known as "The Worship Wars." We have been battling over whether the church should offer traditional or contemporary worship. We have not only been combative, we have become hateful and snotty about the whole issue. Both camps tend to have a holier than thou, our form of worship is superior to your form of worship attitude. Frankly, I find the whole thing humorous. It is not about one form of worship being superior; it is just a matter of taste. It is mainly about our tastes in music which we attempt to elevate to some form of righteousness. I have a feeling God doesn't care what form of worship we subscribe to; instead I sense God would just love for us to occasionally really worship Him – like "in spirit and in truth."
As much as we fuss and fume over worship and ministries and change, we are missing much more important and foundational issues that we, the church, must deal with in order to bring transformation and health to the church we love. One of these is relationships.
Before any group – be it a family or a church – can function well and accomplish what it is designed to accomplish, that group must learn to do relationships well. We need to learn: how to talk to each other; how to treat each other; what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior; to honor and encourage each other; to speak the truth in love; to be honest and real; to extend grace and forgiveness.
There are several of pieces of Scripture that speak into the heart of healthy relationships. The first and most powerful Scripture on relationships is found in 1 Corinthians 13. Allow me to share some observations from a devotional written by a former ministry partner, Willisa Redford, on that passage. She wrote:
"1 Corinthians 13 gives us these insights. 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'"
"Relationships 101. These verses are so powerful!!! They should be taught in every kindergarten class along with the ABC's and 123's. Then as part of the wedding ceremony, these verses should be stamped on everyone's left hand next to their ring finger. However, I think that often times when the wedding aisle ends and the long path of real life begins, the verses of 1 Corinthians 13 are quickly forgotten. The truth is being patient and kind, not boasting, not being proud, not being self-seeking, or easily angered is HARD!!!! Keeping no record of wrongs, are you kidding me?!?!? But stop for just a moment and think how wonderful this world would be if we all memorized these verses along with our phone numbers and social security numbers and then LIVED IT!!!"
"If Paul lived in today's world maybe he would have worded an introduction to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in this way: Attention! The King of Kings has determined that entering into any relationship without living by these words could be hazardous and could result in the death of a relationship."
A second powerful relational piece of Scripture was given to us by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:15. "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."
We Christians are very poor at the practice of speaking the truth to each other. Come on, you know I'm telling you the truth. In the name of being nice, we fail to tell others the truth; fail to correct poor and offending behavior; insist on excusing rude and argumentative behavior; allow others to continue negative, destructive and sinful behavior. We say we do that in the name of being nice. The reality is, we don't speak the truth because we are afraid someone will become angry with us. You see, it is not about them, or what is best for the health of the church – It is about all about me.
And sometimes when we do speak the truth, there is no love involved. The Scripture is clear; if we can't share the true motivated and saturated in love, we can't share the truth. We have forfeited our right to speak.
The last relational advice we will look at comes from Jesus. This teaching, like most of His teachings, strikes at the heart of human behavior and speaks to one of our most common relationally dysfunctional activities. His advice was this: "If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower." (Matthew 18:15)
In this teaching, Jesus addresses our almost universal habit of practicing triangulation – talking to one person about problems we have with someone else. We struggle with this because it is how we do relationships. We learn to do them this way in Junior High and never change. We even set up systems to perpetuate this dysfunctional way of dealing with our problems. Churches often feed into this dysfunction by having a Pastoral Relations Committee. This committee's task is to listen to the congregation's complaints about pastor and then work with the pastor to resolve the "problems". We call this methodology Triangulation. Tadah.
This is an amazingly negative and destructive behavior but one that is constantly and consistently practiced by those of us in the church. Triangulation spreads negative information and feelings while doing nothing to solve the problem. When the limited information shared, sides are chosen, attitudes are formed, feelings are hurt, relationships are damaged and the problem still exists. Jesus suggests (Are any of His teachings suggestions? Really?) that if we have a problem with someone, we go directly to that person and work out the problem with them. Short, simple, direct and healthy.
If we are ever going to do church well, we must learn to do relationships well. If the church is ever going to be a place of peace, grace, forgiveness and healing, we are going to have to learn to do relationships well. If the church is ever going to be a healthy place, we, the individuals who make up the church, must become healthy ourselves. We can't offer something to others we don't have.
Copyright © 2012, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserve
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