In some ways I am not a big fan of questions. For me, questions, especially questions delivered in a group, equate test. I don't like tests. If you are going to give me a test, please make it a multiple choice test.
I don't like being questioned. It makes we feel like you don't trust me. Even though I may not be, being questioned makes me feel guilty. I feel put on the spot… trapped… cornered. And feeling that way often causes me to lash out and defend myself. There is a big part of me that sees questions as extremely negative.
On the other hand, I know that questions can be good. Questions are useful to help us understand others. They help us understand things. Questions help us understand what is going on around us. Questions can help us understand ourselves. Questions can help us understand that we don't really understand.
It seems to me that I am asked an unusually high volume of questions. When my children were little they asked me thousands of questions and most were absolutely unanswerable. Now that they are grown, they rarely ask me any questions. I guess they have given up on me ever being an answer man. Since I tend to not talk much, my wife is forced to constantly ask me questions. All kinds of people ask me all kinds of questions all the time. If I am standing around in a store (other than women's clothing) inevitably someone walks up and asks me a question. I must have "sales clerk" written all over me. Perhaps I just look helpful. Proof, again, that looks can be deceiving.
I didn't realize it when I signed up for the job but it looks like answering questions is a part of the being a pastor gig. People just assume I know things. These are probably the same foolish people who think I look helpful. I am often aware, by the verbal and physical responses I receive, that my answers are not the answers they were seeking. Occasionally I am bluntly told, "Wrong answer!" That response doesn't necessarily mean that my answer was not true or that my answer was incorrect. What that response means is that my answer was not the answer they wanted.
A great example of this phenomenon is this classic, and possibly mythical, husband-wife exchange. Wife to husband: "Do these slacks make my butt look big?" Husband to self: "Oh, oh. I am pretty sure there is not a really good answer to that question." (Smart) husband to wife: "Noooo!!" This answer must be delivered immediately. Any lag time between question and answer negates the credibility of the answer. (Honest) husband to wife: "No. Your big butt makes your butt look big." Every man and woman I know would say that the second answer is the wrong answer when, in fact, the last answer is most likely the correct answer.
I would contend that often when we say that an answer was a bad answer, what we really mean is that we just received an answer we didn't like. The truth is, instead of having received a wrong answer; we are struggling with the results of having asked the wrong question. For example, in the husband/wife exchange, the correct question is, "Honey, do these slacks cause my behind look larger than it really is?" Or, "Do these slacks enhance my figure?" But, generally speaking, experience has taught me that any question with the word "fat" in it tends to produce an answer I don't want to either deliver or receive.
Jesus answered questions all the time and was known to have asked some great questions. He asked the woman at the well, "Where is your husband?" Like any great conversationalist, Jesus knew the answer before he asked the question. If you want to experience some ugly social moments, just ask questions that are just shots in the dark. At a church dinner I heard this exchange. "Hey, Gerry, how's the wife?" "The same as she has been for the past five years – dead." I swear that is a true story. It is best to know the answer before you ask the question.
Jesus knew, even before he asked, that she was a multiple divorcee who was living with a man she wasn't married to. He asked the question, not to illicit information. He asked the question for her benefit. This well placed question forced her to be honest and positioned her to have her life changed by an encounter with Jesus.
Jesus was known to do what we are often urged to not do. He often answered a question with a question. He would ask people why they asked the particular question they had just posed. Good question. We all, at times, need to be questioned about our motives, our motivations, our agendas, about what drives us. I must admit that "Why" is just about my favorite question to ask. And I ask it not only of others. I am pretty consistent about asking myself that question.
Some trouble makers, intent on making Jesus look foolish, asked if people should pay taxes. The questioner was pretty sure he knew the answer and was going to use that answer to get Jesus in trouble with the authorities. Jesus responded by asking for a coin. He then asked his questioners, "Whose picture is on this coin?" When they answered "Caesar," Jesus said it must belong to Caesar and told them to give it to him.
A really good, religious man asked Jesus what he needed to do to get closer to God. The questioner was a good Jew so he was an admitted rule keeper. Jesus then reeled off a list of rules he should be keeping and asked the young man how he was doing with those. That list that would have made me look pretty bad and sent me slinking off to the edge of the crowd. This guy made me look bad. He could publically proclaim that he kept them all. I would have been satisfied with being able to claim a .500 average. When he asked the question the young man obviously expected Jesus to tell him that he had the whole God thing bagged. Instead Jesus told that fellow that he had one more thing to do. He needed to sell his many possessions, give the proceeds to the poor and just follow Jesus. That went over big. Was that the wrong answer? No. it was just not the answer the man was seeking; not the answer he was expecting. We read that the rule keeping guy sadly walked away. Jesus gave the correct answer. If the man wanted a different answer, he should have asked a different question – a safer question. Though, at the moment, I can't think of a safe question to ask Jesus.
In a minister's meeting the other day, I was asked one of those politically motivated hot button questions that we ask each other as litmus tests to see if we are acceptable to the group. Honestly, I answer such questions differently, depending upon which kind of group I am in. I do this for a couple of reasons. One, I have discovered that liberals and conservatives are both equally narrow minded, only about different things and like to see that narrow-mindedness in action. Second, I like to make people think. Oh, and third, I am by nature, a pain in the behind.
As usual and on purpose, my answer challenged the "acceptable beliefs" of the majority in the room. And as usual, just about everyone in the room looked at me like I had two heads and that both of them were amazingly ugly. And, as usual, since I was hanging out with "open minded progressives", they proceeded to tell me that my answer was wrong. Excuse me. My answer was absolutely correct. I had been asked the wrong question. They asked me what I thought. If they had wanted a different answer – the "correct answer" – they should have asked what I thought they thought on the subject. Then they could tell me if my answer was right or wrong.
I have a question for you. How about you quit telling me that my answers to your questions are wrong? Instead, just admit that you don't like my answer or that you probably asked the wrong question.
Copyright © 2009, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved
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