The Annual Christmas Letter

I love getting those annual Christmas letters from friends and family. You know, the ones that tell you what they have been up to all year – their accomplishments and such – how wonderful and gifted their children are. So, in my attempt to bring balance to the world, here is The McConnell Christmas Letter.

We have had a wonderful year. There have been no arrests, convictions or incarcerations in the family. No one has gone into rehab. No children or grandchildren have been expelled from any school of any kind. Well, one of the preschoolers had a little scrape with the administration but her attorney got her off. A banner year.

Let’s start the report with me. This year I had a book published by Chalice Press. Sales have been great. Including the 100 copies I bought at a deep discount, the book has sold over 100 copies. I am very excited about receiving my first royalty check. Nancy and I plan on it financing an exciting dinner out at Waffle House®. If you haven’t yet gotten your copy just go to www.crappybooksnoonewillbuy.com to get a great deal. This year I master minded the merging of two churches and it looks like I have managed to work myself out of a job. How one joins two churches and manages to receive smaller offerings is a mystery to me. What is worse, Walmart planned to build a new superstore in our community and that was blocked. So, my dreams of being employed as a Walmart greeter have been dashed. If you hear of a job where my skills (Being irritating and having a great sense of direction) could be put to work, let me know.

Nancy has again failed to age this year. It was bad enough, years ago, when people mistook me for her father, but this grandfather thing is getting more than just a little annoying. People mistake her grandchildren for her children. That’s okay because sometimes I mistake her grandchildren for people. She recently heard that she is being laid off her job. I can NOT believe that jerk she works for would do this. After all she had done for him; she had even been sleeping with him. Oh, yes, I am her boss. My bad. I forgot. Never mind.

My oldest, Mack, has a job. I have absolutely no idea what he does but it is with a medical insurance company. So I assume it has something to do with finding new and devilish means and methods of screwing the insured out of much needed benefits. Not knowing what he is doing is okay because since he reached the age of 7 I haven’t had a clue what he was doing. He is a mystery to me. But he has a job – like a real job with a regular pay check and benefits and stuff. No more need be said. It is every parent’s dream that their children become self supporting by the age of 40. That’s why I always say, “Aim high and then just deal with life’s disappointments.”

My oldest daughter, Meg, is a nurse in one of the Cincinnati area hospitals. (Said hospital will remain unnamed in hopes she can remain employed there.) She has been taking continuing education courses, working hard and really applying herself and has become quite adept in her field. She is personally responsible for fewer and fewer deaths each month. Or maybe she said she took less personal responsibility for the deaths. Either way, she is doing better. She has set a family record for conning her father out of stuff by having possession of my Toyota Camry for over half of the year. She keeps mumbling something about the radio in her Jeep not working and that making it un-drivable.

My son David is a plumber. He IS my retirement plan. I think he is pretty good at plumbing. He told me all he needs to know to be a good plumber is: Hot is on the left, poogoo runs downhill and payday is on Friday. The boy is brilliant. Especially about the poogoo part. He says his favorite part of the job is running the jack hammer. Perhaps his proclivity for loud noises is what helps make him such an amazing father. His kids seem to like him. Perhaps because he is so much fun. That is one of the reasons his father likes him.

My youngest is Robin. She works in the field of financial planning. At least I guess she still does. Right after the stock market crashed in October, Robin disappeared and we haven’t heard a word out of her. The family rumor is that she is holed up in a bunker in a sub basement of the First National Bank in downtown Louisville. We have no doubts that she is alive because her two dogs and her cat disappeared the same day along with her coffee grinder and several books of crossword puzzles. We believe she is hunkered down for the long haul and will probably reappear soon after the Dow tops 10,000. Hopefully we will be able to recognize her after such a long wait.

Nancy’s oldest, Klint, has five children. Four girls and a boy. He has been requesting a government bailout for several years. A great year for them – NOBODY GOT PREGNANT. We were so proud. The need to keep a car on the road and functioning has taken priority in Klint’s life and the steady influx of children has finally stopped. He continues to work at Cincinnati Incorporated (CI) making really big machines. His kids think he works for CSI and are constantly asking if he solved any cases lately.

Josh and Elizabeth had their second (and last) child this summer – Max. Two things one notices immediately about Max: he is extremely cute and the boy is fat. I don’t mean chubby, I mean fat. His arms look like he has rubber bands around his wrists and his legs look like sausages gone wild. He looks a lot like his big sister, Gabby, did at that age. I will never understand how their mother, so slim and beautiful she could easily be a model, manages to produce such little fatties. Josh keeps getting promoted at his job so Nancy and I, with the way our jobs are going or not going, are making plans to sell the house and move in with Josh and Elizabeth. With my excellent dietary regimen I could probably get Max bulked up in no time.

Jackie, the youngest, has found a job in the medical field and has already been promoted. The medical field, humm. There seems to be a theme emerging in our children’s placement in the job market. If they all get medical jobs, perhaps they can care for their parents in our old age. Upon getting married last year Jackie married into a family with two almost teenaged girls. Ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, he, he, he. Is there a God or what? She comes and shares what a challenge it is to be a mother to two preteen girls. I just sit and smile till my teeth dry out and crack. Life is good!!!

I, as usual this year, garnered the customary awards and degrees. I was invited by several Who’s Who organizations to join several hundred thousand other overachievers in paying them a couple a hundred dollars to have my name published in a book that absolutely no one else will ever read. I purchased another degree from an internet college. I have often thought that a Masters in Paleontology was the degree that would make me most marketable. When I Google my name (Oh, yeah, tell me you haven’t Googled yourself.) me and about 700,000 other William McConnells show up. Who knew there were so many of us? Someone from our church's national office has been reading my blogs so my church denomination has again, this year, requested that I not share the fact that they ordained my back in ’72. The City of Harrison did name me Man of the Year for 2008. Okay, that was a lie, but they should have.

I hope your year was a full and rewarding as ours. God has become more real and we love each other more than ever. That is a good year.

Copyright © 2008, William T. McConnell, All Rights Reserved